Poopie Diapers

Look, I'm going to be honest here, like most first time fathers I had zero previous experience changing a baby’s diaper, and by zero, I mean zero. I have nieces and I have friends with children, but I've ALWAYS managed to avoid the what seems to be the archaic task of changing a baby diaper. Since I had no experience, my imagination was filled with thoughts of diapers full of giant stinky man-sized turds, always mushy, always escaping out the sides, down her legs, up her back and on her clothes. Or something at least as bad as dog poop, which I've often gagged on even when picking up with a shovel. So naturally, changing diapers was at the top of the list of things I dreaded doing (and there were many), and something I planned to avoid as long as possible (although my wife will tell you that I still haven't changed one in over 14 months).
Well much to my surprise baby poop turns out to be nothing like I had feared. It’s hard to even call it poop really. Mainly it's been rock hard marbles that just roll around the half pipe shaped diaper (genius shape for keeping the marbles in check) or large flattened forms of darkish silly putty, that I truly believe capture the imprint of whatever Disney character she happens to be wearing that day (I've seen it myself). Does anyone remember pressing silly putty into the Sunday color comics and capturing an imprint? Bingo with the poopie if it's been in there long enough and given time to flatten out by her bottom. Even the diarrhea she recently encountered (and I swear my wife an I JUST discussed the fact that this kid never had diarrhea since like the first three days of life and whammo on comes the anal faucet) is just some lightly colored mushy stuff with a vaguely unpleasant odor. Seriously, cleaning up after our gerbils growing up brings memories far worse than changing a baby’s diaper. Disclaimer: To date only, I anticipate having her potty trained soon. And in the gerbils case, they pooped and pee'd everywhere. There was no diaper to catch the excrement, and much of it hid and lurked under half chewed paper towel rolls and ceder shaving nests. I don't believe my parents could afford rubber gloves back then, I mean why else would they make me put my bare hands in there knowing of the inevitable "touch". But I digress; back to baby poopie. Fear not, after a while you wont even put down your fruit to change a diaper, you’ll just hold it in your mouth while your hands blast through the deed in seconds. I really am that fast and wonder if there are actual contests I could enter.
Ever see the pit team at the Indianapolis 500 change out the tires on a Formula One car? It’s just a blur. That’s how fast you’ll be after a while, not because it's disgusting, it just becomes second nature.
In fact, it seems that we begin to look forward to poopie diapers. It actually becomes the topic of conversation. When I pick her up from my parents I am given the score of the day. "We changed two poopie diapers or she didn't make poopies today or, only one poopie today", like it's an actual disappointment. My mother-in-law, same thing, no "good morning" as she arrives, she's on a mission to get the poopie lowdown. Sometimes I get the lead in question first knowing that she knows food or drink usually starts the poopie engine. "did she eat this morning?"but it always leads to the poopie diaper question. It's just a simple lead in to the question you know is coming and is on everyone's mind. Most questions are usually followed by a raise and a sniff. If there's a poopie in there, they'll find it, regardless of the baby's temperament. I call it the poop watch. not on my watch they say, so courtesy sniffs at least every hour. Look, if the kid is content and happy, why would I actually seek out a poopie diaper? Oh, but like finding the coveted chocolate egg on easter sunday, they immediately seek the poopie diaper and frown on me for missing it. you'd think they'd be happy, after all, the poopie diaper consumes them. You’ll even get everyone a little worried if she doesn’t poop for couple of days, her poop changes color or order, or it just looks odd. It has nothing to do with the nineteen new foods you've introduced her to in the past 7 days or the dog food she ate right out of the bowl the night before, nope, there's cause for concern and everyone is now on the lookout.
Regular healthy poop is an indication of a healthy regular child. So after a while it becomes not so much of a chore, but more of a systems check. All is well, she made a poopie.
So don’t sweat the diaper stuff, if I can do it anyone can.

Can you spot a poopie diaper?